In My Head. . .

Bye, Bye Blogger

2008-08-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm over at wordpress.com now. I know, I know, I move around too much. I did do a lot of setup over there. Please update your links . . .

livingdeadgrrl.wordpress.com

Brain to World: Core Dump

2008-08-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

Funny
Sad

Neat:

Oh, right . . . it's the Olympics. . .

I got an Award. . .

2008-07-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

And took a long, long time to post about it!

Thanks to Daclaren, who got me started in blogging (I was the guinea pig for blog software she was going to use), I've been presented with this lovely award!

Again, I have to take time to say how grateful I am for Daclaren's friendship. She's a wonderful person, encouraging and loving, and I am lucky to have her in my life!

It's taken me a bit to post about who I would bestow this lovely upon, as I don't read as many blogs as I used to (and I should read more), and BOY I really want to give one to Daclaren, whose blog is just AWESOME. But, that isn't in the rules. The rules are:

1) You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribution to the blogging community.

2) Each award has to have the name of the author and link to his/her blog to be visited by everyone.

3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that presented her/him with the award.

4) The award winner and one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Arte y Pico” blog so everyone will know the origin to this award.

5) To show these rules.

I have one person on my list with different design, but most of these folks I tune in to read what they are saying, and what interesting things are happening. I would also like to give an honorary mention for my beloved Spluch -- gone but not forgotten.

So, here are my bloggers:

Uncle Darren

He is talented, funny and interesting. And he's kind of a shoe in since he cuddles me to sleep every night. Don't be fooled into thinking it's nepotism -- I have always loved his writing, even before I loved him, and we fell in love in a series of letters. He's a fascinating writer, and talented artist, and I sure would love it if he would blog more.

Kipling

I read Kipling's blogs before I met him, and let me tell you -- he is hilarious, smart, and interesting to read. He always comes up with some really cool media, and waxes philosophic on just about anything and everything.

Coiled Soul

Sense of Humor? Check. Great content? Check! Talented Writer? CHECK! It's Coiled Soul, folks, and she's got all the makings of a good juicy blog. I don't read it as much as I'd like, but when I do, it never, ever disappoints me.

What Not to Crochet

Anytime I need a laugh, I find myself browsing the fug. . .

Memoirs of Drunken Bastard

From neighbors to disappearing ponds -- Steve's finally blogging!

2008-07-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what the hell is happening to people, but for God's sake, do NOT stop walking in the middle of a path right in front of someone. Because if it is me, you're gonna get smacked in the back of the head. Or I will at least visualize it. Dammit.

Two Years, and about Two Weeks Ago.

2008-07-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

Two years and about two weeks ago puts us on or about July 16th, 2006. And I remember quite well where I was. I was in Aspers, staying with Josh and Jen. In fact, I think that the 16th is the day I introduced myself to a little piece of technology called the iPod (I was treating myself for lugging the CD-based MP3 player around Scotland!). I was preparing for something that I suppose most people would consider frightening, but I was beside myself with excitement -- I was moving to Los Angeles!

I am, of course, glad I did -- Darren is just the most wonderful man, and I am such a blessed woman that I have him in my life. My life radically changed, for the better, on July 18th. And I knew it would. I will say that knowing the date of your first kiss with someone can be surreal.

Anyway, this blog isn't being written to rant about how much I love my husband. All ya'll know that anyway (you blessed five, you!). This blog, written on encouragement from Lou Ann, is supposed to be about my experience of living in Los Angeles.

Back to my rambling. Two years, three months, and two weeks ago, I had already reduced all of my personal belongings to two suitcases. So, two years and two weeks ago, all I had to do was get them shut again, and get myself to the plane.

My life up until that point had been absolutely, scatterbrained hectic. So, I was in a lull -- vacationing in Aspers before moving, spending much needed time with my family and getting myself reoriented to US time (and US heat. It was something like 55 degrees difference in the temperature between what I experienced in Scotland and what I found waiting for me in Philadelphia. It would be even worse when I got Los Angeles, a fact I fully knew (I was talking to Darren daily, and he was giving me updates on the horrid heat wave going on here, so I kind of knew to expect, as much as you can. I can liken it to getting my tongue pierced -- I knew what to expect, it didn't mean I was particularly . . . you know, ready).

And I made it here, and I love it here. A large part of my love for Los Angeles is that it's been where I've been able to spend the happiest two years of my life. As much as I disdain Pittsburgh for memories that are not its fault, I love Los Angeles for memories that are not in its control! It's not where you are that determines how rich your life is, but who you are with. And I've been priviledged to have been taught that lesson. Many of my friends and loved ones have picked a place to sequester themselves while taking stock, learning what they want out of life, or licking wounds. Los Angeles is the place I came to after the wounds had healed.

Lou Ann asked me specifically what it was like to live here for two years, and I will attempt to somewhat answer that question, but it's early morning here, and I'm rambling already, so we'll see what ends up dropping out of me. Like I said, I could write books on how much I love Darren and how much he means to me, and how my life has improved since I have him, but this blog is about "what's it like to live in Los Angeles," and I've rambled way past that already, so let me just get to it.

First and foremost is the weather. Yes, my God, is it beautiful here. Just beautiful. I say often that Los Angeles doesn't have weather, it has climate. It's always just about the right temperature (in the shade. That's important. IN THE SHADE), and, well, it's Southern California. It's revered for its beautiful skies and beaches.

About those beaches -- they are only heavily populated in the movies and on TV series. Sure, people are at the beach, but not as many as you'd probably think. And people are at the beach because no matter where you are in Los Angeles people are there. And I often mean a lotta people. They are everywhere here. And of course they are. Los Angeles is the second largest city in the US. It almost covers 500 square miles, and is home to around 3.8 million people. So yeah, I had to get used to the massive amount of people everywhere. Because it's not just who lives here, it's the huge influx of tourists ALL THE TIME.

And of course tourists come here all the time -- even in the winter, our lows barely dip into the 40's. It's super warm here. So, speaking to that, let me explain Los Angeles seasons:

Spring (January to March)
Summer (April to July)
Fire (August to October)
Fall (November, December)

That's right. There's no winter, and there's a fire season here. That's what two years in Los Angeles gave me -- exposure to fire season. Last year, we saw this fire tear up Griffith Park:

And later in the year, all of California was ablaze. There wasn't a single county in the entirety of Southern California that didn't have some massive wildfire to contend with, all at once. This is what it looked like from space:

So yeeeah, fire is definitely something you have to contend with here. It's way one that California can kill you differently from other places. During the fires, the sky would often turn these strange, otherworldly colors from all the smoke. But, even that wasn't hard to get used to, because there's so much smog here that are sunsets are spectacular shows of colors, ranging from deep purples to neon oranges and sometimes you can even catch some green.

So, basically it's sunny here all the time and it's oppressively hot in the late summer, the season of fire. You get used to it.

And, there are people everywhere. You kind of get used to that, too, especially since you can have some pretty surreal experiences. One time, early in my days here, I saw my first god's honest, big purple feather and crocodile boots pimp, complete with beat my bitches walking stick. And what did I think? "Only in Los Angeles." And I loved it. If you aren't ready to do that, then Los Angeles isn't for you.

Which brings me to another point -- crime. Crime here is actually just like crime anywhere else. If you go someplace you shouldn't be and do something stupid, you are probably going to get hurt. Crime has been in a pretty steady decline, and according to that Wikipedia article on LA and other sources, violent crimes been declining. There have been a couple of times while riding the bus I sincerely feared for myself, but then . . . nothing happened. It's really not all that scary of a place. People here are FRIENDLY. I mean that. They either:

1. Aren't from here (a vast portion of the Los Angeles population moved here from somewhere else. It's a place you choose to live).

2. Have lived here their entire lives.

3. Are a tourist and need your help.

This isn't New York, folks. If you ask for directions, you're sure to get them. And, as I can attest to, if you are at a train station and need guidance, there's always someone willing to help.

Which brings me to one of the big parts of my experience in Los Angeles: Public Transportation.

A side note: Public transportation here, and in Orange County, is amazing. You can get anywhere, given enough time. You can easily get from our place in North Hollywood to Anaheim (Disney) with one train transfer. If you visit, I highly recommend you ditch the car, and use the transit.

My main feelings about public transportation? It's the surreality in my day. I'm either on the phone, or listening to music, because before I was doing any of those things, it was a constant assault. Sometimes, even literally. I've seen someone physically kicked off the bus, I've had someone kicked off the bus, I've had someone feel me up on the bus . . . constant. But then I changed buses and it's much more calm now ;) Now, I'm mainly on Metro Rapid buses or using the train, both of which are much more geared to commuters.

I suppose this brings me to the scenery, and in LA, that is really hard to beat. Even theatres are interesting, as I found this sign on Hollywood Boulevard to sometimes be in freaky sync with what I was thinking:

If you're looking for nature, the city itself isn't where you really want to be, it's not that 'scenic' perse, unless architecture is your thing, in which case we can kick some butt.

We DO have a lot of palm trees,

and those kick ass because they bear a strong resemblance to truffula trees:

The Lorax, however, would hate it here, because the only stars we have are the famous kind. I think we can see all of 12 stars on any given LA evening. Again, the smog.

It's not all smoggy fun and games, as I found out when I was introduced to way two California can kill you, which is desert bugs. Specifically, the black widow spider. I was bit several times one morning, and let me tell you -- that tiny bit of venom had me curled in a ball for two hours, and left my leg aching for a few days. BAD ASS, I tell you.

Another common creature found in California is the adorable chihuahua.

And they are adorable. You can find them in purses, or just wandering around the end of a leash. People here love their dogs. Darren and I are currently looking into getting one. Beloved for their small size, and thus their ability to fit into small apartments (unless you are a millionaire, you are renting your space in LA, I guarantee) quite happily, they are all over the place here. You'll even see them in stores, since people are allowed to have support pets -- you know, emotional support. The strangest iteration I've seen of this custom was a woman in Big Lots holding her bunny. Seriously. And I'm not talking teeny tiny bunny, I'm talking two armfuls of rabbit bunny.

So now, I suppose, I am at the closing of two years of experience in LA, and I'll end with the experience from yesterday. Weighing in as the third way that Los Angeles can kill you:

Earthquake.

Anyone with an education knows that one day, California will no longer be with us. Why? Because are poised on the very edge of disaster, right near the Pacific Ring of Fire:

And right along the San Andreas Fault

This means we have an awful lot of seismic activity going on. And, yesterday, I got to feel, for the first, definitive time, what exactly an earthquake is.

If you're from Pittsburgh and you've been to the Science Center, you've had the opportunity to visit the Earthquake Cafe' - and that's about what it's like. Except you aren't choosing how strong, and you have no idea when it's going to hit, and all of a sudden, everything starts to shake. It reminded me of my first apartment in Pittsburgh, so dismally close to the train that it would rattle our walls every time it passed -- only these buggers don't have a schedule.

California has been devastated by Earthquakes before, most notably the Northridge Earthquake that caused shitloads of damage and killed a few people to boot. Yesterday's was nothing, comparatively, but in those first moments, when your phone isn't working and you just want to know if your loved ones are ok, it's just as tense.

California has been enchanting, fun, and scary. I don't regret coming here, I love living here. And our medication here rocks. Is it for everyone? No, of course not. But it works for me.

Jamie, Meet the Third Way LA can kill you: Earthquake.

2008-07-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

Nice to meet you, earthquake.

Specifically, a 5.8 that I managed to feel in the office in Beverly Hills today.

A couple of my coworkers are still a little shaken, an hour later, but there's no sign that Cedars management has any plans on sending us home. Which is kind of fine. The whole experience, I'd have to say, I could describe as "freaky."

It sucked to have to pick my water up off the floor.

Another one just kind of semi-shook us -- nothing big, something much more subtle. Like being in a small building when a truck goes by. The thing is, this place is huge!

Well, I suppose I'm grateful that I've been formally introduced to Mr. Earthquake. I'm just not looking forward to making his acquaintance again!

Creepy

2008-07-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes it is:
clicky

My Scrabble Score

2008-07-23T16:00:00.001-07:00

: 14

Cute.

General Diarrhea of the Fingertips

2008-07-23T14:55:00.001-07:00

Aah, blogging. That 'hobby' I've had, laying about, for years. The hobby that involves me writing something, and putting it up for the five voracious readers I have to enjoy. I've been trying to be bettera bout blogging, after being reminded by a friend that "I need to write."

So, today, with the lack of anything interesting to link you to, I'll just rant a little bit, ok?

First, I got one of those survey things in the mail from Jen. She was on the phone at the time she was mailing it. Unless it comes from her, Donna, or Ana, chances are I won't go through a survey, but I did with this one.

Now, I'm not going to make you read the whole survey, chosen five, but I will point out what the most interesting question was:

2. What color are your socks right now? Tube socks, they are actually Darren's. I couldn't find decent freaking shoes this morning, so I'm in a pants suit with Chucks on. Seriously.

This, for some reason, had me partially amused and partially really really pissed at myself.

I wouldn't call myself a morning person, but I do have to wake up in the morning on most days. You know, it's part of the whole consulting gig thing. And that's fine. But what got to me this morning was my apparent inability, even in adulthood, to manage to get myself ready.

Bad enough I'm growing ever fatter (or so it seems to me, and I know none of you think I'm fat blah blah blah but I was skinnier when I bought my clothes so just lemme bitch), but even worse that I can't manage to find something simple -- like my shoes -- because I just don't feel like exerting the effort. So, slacks with Chucks it is for me.

When I got to work I got the chance to chat with Ana online a bit, and I was telling her about my morning, and how people were staring at me (I thought it was kind of weird and then I realized that the last time I wore the blouse I had on it involved a safety pin, at which point I immediately expressed regret at not being punk in my wardrobe anymore, and also that people should make blouses that button all the way up, at least as an option), and I related what I found to be a very, very funny recollection of another wardrobe malfunction.

I had on this kind of spandex / cotton blend blouse from Express. Darren and I were living at the old place, and I let myself out into the hallway to go to work. All is normal at this point. I notice that the edge of my shirt is caught in my skirt. This only slightly creates a reaction -- which is to tug gently on the tail of the shirt, right?

Except in some weird horrible cartoony twist of fate, I tugged just right, and ALL the buttons came popping out of the holes -- in one huge motion, I had my unbottoned shirt hanging from my shoulders.

Now, of course my reaction was initially shock, and to quick button up, but I was trying not to break into hysterics, pull people from their apartment, and share my nudity. It just wasn't that type of day.

It DID come back to haunt me when I realized three hours later that I had rebuttoned the blouse crooked.

Annoying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really wish I could get dressed and ready for work at a time other than the morning or something. Something like that . . . .

Happy Birthday

2008-07-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

First, to my stepdaughter, Ana. Happy Birthday, darling! 18! What an exhilarating (if not frustrating) age! I wish you all the best.

What don't I wish the best to? The office cubicle. Happy birthday, cubicle. Thanks for sapping my soul. At least you inspire fabulous pranks:

Boogie . . . Zombies?

2008-07-21T20:22:00.000-07:00

Boogie Bunnies -- adorable game, but psychologically damaging. Hearing the adorable bunnies worry, "Oh, no!" and "Help me!" as they come close to falling in water is just . . . it's damaging.

And, this is just too too cool that it exists:

HowStuffWorks: How Zombies Work

The Long Nightmare and some Media in Review

2008-07-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

I started consulting a while ago, I suppose technically I started when I went to Scotland. And, I've had a couple of views of consulting from both sides of the table.

Here's one:

Now, I didn't want to BE that kind of consultant. I wanted to be one of the good ones, you know? So I could view myself more . . . .

What's it really turned into?

Take that picture. Imagine it more . . . Hitchcock. You know, the bird has just finished pecking out her eyes and Mary Poppins is actually writhing and death twitching on the floor. I was going to Photoshop a little something, but I don't have photoshop on this machine, and GIMP is taking forever to download.

Something I did run through Windows' Paint? Something I actually had to deal with:

Sigh.

At least I got to see Dark Knight this weekend. One word review, ready? ROCK! It's pretty rare that Darren and I bother to go to an opening day movie, but we truly couldn't resist this one. And, even though we were catching it at Universal Studios (alas, not on the IMAX), it wasn't too awful of a wait.

And my God, what a great movie. It deserved its hype.

After, Darren and I started to watch Heroes. I've enjoyed season one whole heartedly -- and just adore Hiro, who never fails to crack me up with his big grin.

I'm hoping season two will be just as good. But, so far, it's been truly enjoyable. I really do wonder how NBC manages to get away with great, gory moments like these:

in a 9 PM timeslot.

It, of course, cracks me up that the main baddie of season one is played by a young man from Pittsburgh, who is also playing Spock in the upcoming Star Trek movie. It's also interesting to me how they treated Peter, the empath -- and it is just neat to watch people discover their superhero powers. Which reminds me, in the last week I've watched Blankman again, and still find it really fucking funny.

Before we gave in and watched Heroes, we gave Eureka a shot, and I wasn't overly impressed. It wasn't terrible, it wasn't great. There were lots of more interesting things I was hoping they were going to do with it, and they didn't, and I suppose that it is somewhat, but not completely, forgivable.

Other than that, I'm thinking I need to get myself into better shape (my constant struggle), and read a news service other than fark.

Since our return from Pittsburgh, we've gotten into games like Guitar Hero (II, III), and Rock Band. I'm definitely enjoying guitar, since I can't play a real one (I'd have to get a 3/4's one, my hands are honestly too small). But, I keep hoping for others to crop up -- Violin Hero (Andrew Bird!) . . . I suppose Tuba Hero probably wouldn't be a huge seller, but you never know. I have to say the games are ingenious and fun. While Guitar Hero seems to be a little more heavy handed on the guitar (wonder why), rock band is a lot of fun -- and the online capabilities womp Guitar Hero's ass. Both are worth checking out (some of my favorite songs ever are on Guitar Hero! And Rock Band for that matter).

And, the fact that this has happened is most distressing. I suppose I'm not the only one dealing with some really strange . . . IT moments.

Shutter Fear Photo

2008-07-21T14:33:00.001-07:00

Random Notes & Media

2008-07-14T10:57:00.001-07:00

This is demented:

Weezer's Red Album rocks.

And I can't believe you can find this thing on the internet:

Zombies from the Past

2008-07-11T15:54:00.001-07:00

Zombie Meme

2008-07-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

I got the sweetest note from Sister Lou Ann, essentially tagging me for this blog meme. I thought it was a fun one, so anyone who wants to take a stab (or chop, or bite) out of this one, feel free.

The setup:
Zombie Outbreak. You are in the mall when zombies attack. You can have:

1. One weapon
2. One song blasting on the loud speakers
3. One famous person to fight along side of you

Now, of course, I would want MORE than one weapon. I'd want more than one song, and I'd want my love Darren by my side (and all my friends and cohorts), but that's not the meme, this is, so here goes.

I had to ask if the person fighting with me could be fictional. The answer was yes:

1. The weapon:
It was hard to choose one, especially since a zombie outbreak is something you'd like to be armed to the teeth for. It came down between three, so here they are (with the winner):

Close Quartered Combat, but no range:
The Husqvarna 336 16" Gas-Powered (you don't want to run out of power)

At a mere 8.4 pounds and sporting 2.0 hp of power, this is the chainsaw for me. Sure, you big brawny guys can wield a big ol' 18 incher (oh boy), but I need something a little more . . . reasonable. But, even though it can be mounted on a pole, it's not going to take care of those hoardes headed for me -- once I had sliced and diced through the zombies closest to me, I'd have no way to fight the zombies ahead of me. No good.

Can clear a hallway BUT fill you with shrapnel at the same time:
The Armalite AR-9 (now illegal).
That's right, this gun is illegal. It didn't say anywhere that the weapon had to be possible, just what would I want. I did manage, however, to dig up a picture of this self-loading, semi-automatic 12 gauge shotgun:

The winner - Reliable, close and ranged combat: The Sig Saur P229

Why did I pick this one? It's reliable (in use by the military, Secret Service, and the FBI) and damn efficient. If you're killing off a hoarde, and only get one weapon (hopefully lots of ammo!) this would be it.

2. The song:

Songs are always hard for me. If you ask me tomorrow, I'll have different answers, but here they are for today:

Runner-up: Now We are Free -- Gladiator Soundtrack.

It's quiet, it's cute, and it will let me hear the blood gurgle in their throats.

Runner-up: Down with the Sickness

Come on! Classic zombie killing. Tons o' fun.

Winner: Through the Fire and Flames: Dragonforce.

Thanks, Guitar Hero.

3: The famous person

Runner-up: George W. Bush.

You laugh? Really? Do you think he'd make it OUT of the zombie apocalypse? Zombie president. I'm so there. Yeah, this one isn't to save my ass, more to make myself die laughing. Plus I had to think of a real one, so there it is.

Runner up: Ashley Williams, Evil Dead Series

This man knows zombie killin'. How much more can you say? He comes with the shotgun AND the chainsaw!

Winner: John McClane

Does he really need explanation? He kicks fucking ASS. Period. And that's what you'd need.

Wow. Misspeak, DoubleSpeak!

2008-03-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS | Magazine | Does 'misspeak' mean lying?

Zen (dog) master: A new take on prayer position - CNN.com

2008-03-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

Zen (dog) master: A new take on prayer position - CNN.com

Just when I thought i knew my astrological Sign

2008-03-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

It ends up I didn't.

I was watching a show with Darren that mentioned the thirteenth house of the zodiac (which is rarely counted in Western Astrology). It's called Ophiuchus, and I was actually born under it. After a bit of scouring, this is what I found on the web about it. Do you think it sounds like me?

What is The 13th Sign?
Mystery behind the forgotten zodiac sign
by Jen Tartaglione

You were born a Taurus, but you exhibit more of the flightiness of an Aries than an obstinate bull. Maybe you're supposed to be a chatty Sagittarius, but boy do you brood like a scorpion. Not everyone identifies entirely with their Sun sign - and one of the reasons why is already written in the stars. It's a 13th sign!

Number 13
For the sake of simplicity and neat mathematics, 2300 years ago, astrologers divided the Sun's path into 12 neat slices affording each constellation 30° of the heavens. That's all well and good, but some constellations are far larger than others, and they left someone out! Ophiuchus (funny name, we'll get to that later) is the forgotten sign of the zodiac. We know that astrologers (all the way back to the days of Ptolemy) knew about Ophiuchus, however, due to the ever changing heavens, the sky we see today isn't the same as the skies of yesteryear.

Enter Ophiuchus
Taking up 18° of the Sun's path, and sitting comfortably between Scorpio and Sagittarius is Ophiuchus (O-fee-Yoo-cuss). According to Greek tradition, Ophiuchus or "snake holder" was Asclepius, the half mortal son of Apollo. After killing Asclepius' mother in a vengeful rage, Apollo sent the boy to be raised by Chiron. Chiron taught Asclepius the secrets of healing and medicine. Worried that Asclepius' knowledge would lead to the immortality of humans, Zeus killed Asclepius and gave him a place in the heavens as thanks for his noble deeds.

True empathy
Those born between November 29 and December 17 may see in themselves a natural empathy toward others and are particularly drawn to the healing of the mind, body and soul. They are kind to the point of naïveté and are blessed with dramatic powers - this however can be to their detriment if they allow themselves to empathize too much with the pain of others.

Star power
Some notables born under Ophiuchus: Winston Churchill, Woody Allen, Jim Morrison, Walt Disney, Jane Austen, Bette Midler, Ludwig van Beethoven and Emily Dickinson.

Now that the myth of the 13^th sign has been dispelled, it doesn't mean that you aren't the same person that you were before. It's important to remember that while our Sun sign tells us something about our ego, we were born with all of the planets in our charts - we have a little bit of everything all at once!

Does the Ophiuchus Astrological Profile Fit Me?
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My Knee -- The Status. (Or, Why I hate Kaiser)

2008-03-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

So, as some of you know, I've had a reinjury to my bad ACL. It's a tough one this time, I haven't had pain like this from my knee since the second surgery on it (the third made it all feel so much better). It hasn't swollen like this since the first surgery.

It's also my first time on an HMO -- and I wouldn't have gotten one if it weren't for the fact that it's not so expensive as other healthcare programs. Oh, I rue this choice. Very much.

My healthcare provider is Kaiser Permanente -- yes, that bastion of Health Maintenance organizations. Yes, yes -- German efficiency. My ass.

So I injured the knee again three weeks ago. It was a long, slow buildup, but I've put more miles on my knee since my last surgery than I did in the years between '92 and '02, so I suspected it might just start to deteriorate after a while (a lot of this has to do with my bones, and the way they react, as well as the fact I'm hyperextensive in ALLLLL of my joints, which lends itself to loose ligaments). I understand this. But this also kind of screws me -- I'm very active, but I have soft bones and ligaments that just want to pull out of place.

Well, it's screwed me once again.

Harner did a fabulous job of surgery in Pittsburgh. Absolutely flawless. He was a wonderful doctor, and I can't thank him enough for the work he did to repair damage done when I had the first surgery so many many years ago. He did a fantastic job. I have put on weight, and have been walking more and more, which just puts stress on the bones, and the knees in particular. I think it's one pound gained to 3 pounds of pressure on the knee, so I've put A LOT more pressure on my knee. But the mileage I've put on the knee can't be ignored.

And I understand all that. I understand how difficult my knee is. Harner enjoyed my case because it was challenging. And I totally understand that maybe this doctor isn't up to the challenge. But they didn't even give me an MRI at the office! No, I have to schedule that separately, and spend the weeks in between on crutches.

And let me tell you, I've seen a lot of x-rays in my day. An awful lot. And this thing didn't have the resolution to show the hair line fractures that were in my bones the last time.

To boot, the radiologist went and asked me, as I was across the room from my crutches and out of the immobilizer (so I was pretty much unable to walk away) if my husband and I had accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior. All I could say is that I made my peace with God. WTF!

And, just for one more kick in the ass, they gave me shit about my blood pressure. I wonder why my blood pressure was high -- I was crutching all over the place, and it was a hot day, and I was nervous about this guy taking a look at my knee. Lucky me, I get to trade in one of the best knee surgeons in the world for a nincompoop who likes to create addicts. Just wunnerful.

So, it's more waiting, and I don't know anymore than I did Sunday. What's worse, is they are looking to treat this as a "pain management" case. So they would rather have me addicted to Vicodin than actually fix the problem.

Unbelievable. I've worked almost my entire career in health care, and this is what I get.

I has can Cheezburger -- I saw this coming.

2008-03-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

I really did call this one. I'm a subscriber to gizmodo and spluch both, and when I have a few minutes of downtime, and Darren isn't around to bug, I'll go on there and glance over the headlines between database queries.

A while back, I recall seeing both spluch and gizmodo cover the following product:

Now, of course I looked at this thing and said "There is no way in hell that cheeseburger looks like that coming out of a can."

From there I was distracted by life, and I went about leading it. I didn’t run into the cheeseburger in a can concept again until I was looking at some of the voting on Icanhascheezburger (damn that site for being so addictive) and stumbled upon this -- and yeah, I kind of knew that a lolcat fan was going to get some action shots of this thing:

see more crazy cat pics

While that’s REALLY funny, I’ve just recaptioned it with how I thought it was going to be captioned when I first heard about the thing

moar funny pictures

The initial reactions to the thing were HILARIOUS -- and ranged from "This is it, I am turning in my humanity card, I'm off this ride." to "I want to eat a cheeseburger from a can more than I've wanted to eat anything in my life ever." It is at once hailed as the signal of a society in downfall, and man's ultimate achievement (those who put it with the latter hope that this product displaces Spam).

Now, I was wondering something. Even though I'm allergic and all, I really wanted to know what this cheeseburger tasted like. I've been on plenty of long long hikes, and I could see where the company that created it (they also created liquid food for extreme adventurers, and powdered red wine) would market the cheeseburger in a can a bit differently than having a cat play with it.

So, being curious, I just had to know -- what does it REALLY look like, and what does it taste like.

Thank God for the internet, for within minutes, my questions were answered.

It really looks like this:

As for the taste of this lovely morsel, I'll let them describe it:

True Journalists Brave Enough to Put That in Their Mouths

The Sum of Their Reaction?

see more crazy cat pics

As a side note, in case you've wondered where I am . . .

I've been really busy at work working on another client, and generally coming home, relaxing, and then getting up to do it all again. My time with Darren is always treasured, and honestly, I haven't had much to blog about.

Then, on top of it all, the middle of it all, I had that AT&T thing happen. Then, and this is a kicker, my knee went out. So I've been laid up on crutches and dealing with the SUCK of trying to get in to see an orthopedic surgeon. Kaiser has me scheduled -- for NEXT MONDAY. I hurt my leg almost two damn weeks ago! It's going to take them 18 days to see me!

I've worked almost my whole career in healthcare -- and now that I need it, it fails me.

An Article that Changed my View on the American Political Process

2008-03-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Along with the book "Democracy in America" by deTocqueville and varioius texts by John Locke and, of course, Marx, I headed to college pretty well armed with information about the way our system ran. OF course there, I found that most of my assumptions were wrong.

I’m listening to the speech by Barack Obama, and he reminded me of an article I read and adored in college for a political science class. It was written by Johnathan Rauch, and I believe that despite all the other challenges that our candidates have to face in this election -- that the challenges Mr. Rauch outlines in this article are also, very real.

So, for your enjoyment, I present the text of Johnathon Rauch’s article here, courtesy of his website.

Demosclerosis

National Journal | September 5, 1992

ON APRIL 10, a group of kamikaze Senators marched to the chamber floor with an alternative budget. What they got back was a stark demonstration of the forces that are petrifying postwar democracy.

"We do not seek to end entitlements, or even to reduce them," Sen. Charles S. Robb, D-Va., told the Senate that day. "We do, however, believe that it is necessary to restrain their growth. That is, first and foremost, what this amendment does."

Entitlement programs are check-writing machines whose subsidies are mandatory under law: social security, medicare, farm supports, welfare, countless more. Today they account for a staggering three-fourths of all federal domestic spending. And so Sen. Peter V. Domenici, R-N.M., was doing nothing more than acknowledging reality when he told the Senate, "If we do not do anything to control the mandatory expenditures, the deficit will continue skyrocketing."

The bipartisan group -- Domenici and Robb, Sam Nunn, D-Ga., and Warren Rudman, R-N.H. -- proposed phasing in a cap on over-all entitlement growth. To avoid bringing the roof down on their heads, they exempted social security. The other entitlement programs would collectively grow to account for inflation and demographic changes, but no more.

Within two hours of the four Senators’ first detailed discussion of their proposal, they were receiving telegrams, Domenici told the Senate, "from all over the country, saying that this is going to hurt a veterans’ group, this is going to hurt people on welfare, this is going to hurt seniors on medicare."

"We were inundated," G. William Hoagland, the Senate Budget Committee’s Republican staff director, recalled during a recent interview. "Just about every interest group you can think of was strongly opposed. It was very dramatic how quickly they all came to the defense."

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) called the proposal a "direct attack"; the National Council of Senior Citizens "outrageous"; the Children’s Defense Fund, "unacceptable"; the Committee for Education Funding, "unconscionable"; the Food Research and Action Center, "devastating"; the American Federation of Government Employees, AFL-CIO, "unfair and unconscionable"; the Veterans of Foreign Wars of the United States, "totally unjust"; the Disabled American Veterans, "unconscionable"; the American Legion, "incredible"; the Paralyzed Veterans of America, "inherently unfair"; the National Cotton Council of America, the U.S. Rice Producers’ Group and the National Farmers Organization, "unfair"; the American Postal Workers Union, AFL-CIO, "irresponsible, simple-minded," and so on.

On the floor of the Senate, the amendment’s opponents moved to exempt disabled veterans from the entitlement cap. The exemption passed, 66-28. "We were going to exclude every Tom, Dick and Harry organization out there before we were finished," Hoagland said. Rather than face death by amendment, Domenici and the others withdrew their plan. That ended it.

The Domenici group’s effort fell victim to demosclerosis -- postwar democratic government’s progressive loss of the ability to adapt. Demosclerosis is the most important governmental phenomenon of our time. No surprise, then, that it is also the most explained.

Liberals blame conservatives. "Government has stopped addressing accumulated public problems," wrote the liberal journalist Robert Kuttner in The New Republic recently: "a deliberate strategy of laissez-faire Republicans, who don’t believe in government."

Conservatives blame liberals, alleging that left-wing ideology drives liberals to cling brainlessly to every program ever adopted. "Reactionary liberalism," the conservatives call it.

Populists and business-bashers, such as the liberal journalist William Greider, blame moneyed elites and corporate lobbying. Political analysts blame the current state of the political system: divided control of the government, the early-1970s reforms that dispersed power in Congress, the breakdown of strong political parties, the rise of a professional political class and so forth.

The public blames, above all, "leadership," of the lack of it. A strong leader (runs the theory), uncorrupted by politics as usual, could shake the barnacles from the system. Thus the wave of support for Ross Perot.

Many of the explainers’ standard explanations are partly right. Yet there are grounds to believe that none of the above fully comprehends what is going on.

People used to fear that democracy would dither fatally while dictators and totalitarians swept the field. That fear turned out to be mistaken. Now it appears that the vulnerabilities of democracy -- at any rate, of the postwar style of democracy, with its professional activists and its large and fairly powerful government -- are mundane and close to home.

One such vulnerability is the tendency to rob the future to pay for consumption today -- but that’s another story. The other vulnerability is creeping special-interest gridlock: that is, progressive sclerosis.

Here in Washington, people like to think that sclerosis is temporary, or at least is treatable with political reforms. Maybe not. If postwar government is petrifying, the causes may be deep rather than superficial and fundamental rather than merely partisan. In other words, demosclerosis may be inherent and irreversible.

GETTING ORGANIZED

IN 1982, a University of Maryland economist published a scholarly book called The Rise and Decline of Nations (Yale University Press). Mancur Olson set out to explain, or partially explain, why societies tend to ossify and stagnate as they age. Few people outside of academia took much note of Olson and his ideas. To return to his book today, however, is an eerie experience, for the theory of 1982 foreshadows 1992’s politics of frustration.

In every society, Olson said, there are two ways for people to improve their lot and grow rich. One is to produce more; the other is to capture more of what others produce. Doing the latter is possible, but requires political pull or marketplace power; attaining either of those requires that people band together to form either interest groups or cartels.

Interest groups can make their members better off by seeking subsidies, tax breaks, monopolies, favorable regulations and so on. Postal workers seek a monopoly on first-class mail; dairy farmers seek production controls to jack up prices; and so on. Private cartels can make their members better off by raising prices and barring newcomers from the market. Olson called such beggar-thy-neighbor groups "distributional coalitions."

So far, so obvious. Then Olson went on to the less obvious. Despite what you might think, to organize an interest group or cartel is difficult. The organizer will bear most of the start-up costs, and yet can expect only a fraction of the benefits, which must be shared among the members. Members, in turn, will be reluctant to join until they see that the group is successful. Even then, they may stay out and let others do the work.

As a result, Olson wrote, "organization for collective action takes a good deal of time to emerge." Trade unions did not appear, for instance, until almost a century after the Industrial Revolution. Farmers’ groups didn’t appear in America until after World War I. Social security dates back to 1935, but the AARP didn’t appear until 1958.

Once groups organize, however, they almost never disappear. Instead, Olson wrote, "they usually survive until there is a social upheaval or other form of violence or instability." Furthermore, over time the interest groups of professionalize. This makes them still less likely to go away: Amateur activists can always drop the cause and go home, but for professionals, the cause pays the mortgage.

The result, Olson concluded, is this rule: "Stable societies with unchanged boundaries tend to accumulate more collusions and organizations for collective action over time." Look at the AARP’s membership curve (see chart, p. 2001), multiply it by countless interest groups, and you get the idea.

Cartels have not proved to be the problem that Americans once expected, thanks mainly to foreign completion. If cartels organize the domestic market, as some say the Big Three automakers did informally through the 1970s, fat profits lure in imports to bust the trust.

But political pressure groups have the added power of the law, and are not so easily undermined. These groups’ effects are of two kinds, economic and governmental.

Economically speaking, entrenched interest groups slow the adoption of new technology and ideas by clinging to the status quo. They distort the economy, and so reduce its efficiency, by locking out competition and locking in subsidies. As they grow, they suck more of society’s top talent into the redistribution industry. All in all, the economic costs can be very large. (For a report on the "parasite economy" and its costs, see NJ, 4/25/92, p. 980.)

The other kind of effect is on government. The accretion of interest groups, and the rise of bickering over scarce resources, Olson feared, can "make societies ungovernable."

Now the theory’s darker implications come into view. "The logic of the argument implies that countries that have had democratic freedom of organization without upheaval or invasion the longest will suffer the most from growth-repressing organizations and combinations," Olson wrote. If he is right, then the piling up of entrenched interest groups, each clinging to some favorable deal or subsidy, is an inevitable process as democracies age.

However, occasionally some cataclysmic event -- war, perhaps, or revolution -- may sweep away an existing government and, with it, the countless cozy arrangements that are protected by interest groups.

If his theory is right, Olson concludes, "it follows that countries whose distributional coalitions have been emasculated or abolished by totalitarian government or foreign occupation should grow relatively quickly after a free and stable legal order is established."

Look at Japan and West Germany, where authoritarian regimes and then foreign occupations swept away entrenched interest groups and anticompetitive deals. "Economic miracles" followed in both countries as resources were freed from groups that had captured and monopolized them. (Catch-up growth, Olson says, can explain only a part of Japan’s and Germany’s success.) By contrast, "Great Britain, the major nation with the longest immunity from dictatorship, invasion and revolution, has had in this century a lower rate of growth than other large, developed democracies."

Even in the United States, Olson said, the pattern applies. Statistical tests comparing the 50 states showed that "the longer a state has been settled and the longer the time it has had toaccumulate special-interest groups, the slower its rate of growth."

His hypothesis suggested a social cycle:

A country emerges from a period of political repression or upheaval into a period of stability and freedom. If other conditions are favorable, rapid growth ensues. (South Korea and Taiwan, both emerging from dictatorship and both showing rapid growth, would be in this stage today; China might be next.) Gradually, interest groups organize and secure anticompetitive deals. These deals accumulate, each being jealously defended. Over time, growth slows and paralysis sets in.

Although Olson was concerned mainly with the sapping of economic vigor, his theory also has profound implications for the sapping of governmental vigor. To see why, look at Washington in 1992.

PARALYSIS

LOOK, for instance, at what happened to the entitlement-cap proposal. Anyone who doubts that today’s professional interest groups can mobilize almost instantly to defend their favorable deals need only consider the fate of the move by Robb, Domenici and the others.

Another case in point, one of many, is banking reform. The law that regulates the U.S. banking system goes back 50 years or more and is largely archaic. Banks are barred from a variety of money-making activities (underwriting securities or mutual funds, selling insurance, branching across state lines) that their modern competitors perform with impunity. Thus hobbled, banks have difficulty finding profits. Weak banks, in turn, weaken the whole financial system.

In 1991, the Bush Administration sent Congress a banking reform package. It was shot to pieces in what the New York Times called "a frenzied attack by lobbyists. . . . Small bankers, fearing comptition, tore away interstate banking. Insurance firms, fearing competition, tore away insurance underwriting. Securities firms, fearing competition, tore away the proposal to let banks sell stocks and bonds."

In the end, National Journal reported, "every Administration proposal for permitting banks to widen their business horizons -- every single one -- was picked off in the carnage." (See NJ, 12/14/91, p. 3008.) The result is surely one of the most bizarre policies of our time: As the 21st century approaches, the country limps along with New Deal banking laws.

What happens when you try to attack an anticompetitive arrangement? A classic example of such an arrangement protects public school employees, who enjoy a monopoly claim on tax dollars for education. Recently, two provisions of the Bush Administration’s water education reform package attempted to nibble at this monopoly.

Bush wanted to finance 535 new "break-the-mold" schools, both public and private, to be chosen competitively in Washington; he also proposed incentives for localities to try voucher plans, which let parents spend public money at private schools. The idea in both cases was to stimulate innovation by bypassing the entrenched establishment of public school employees.

On Capitol Hill, the voucher measure was demolished under ferocious opposition from groups representing public school teachers and administrators. Under pressure from the National School Boards Association and others, the "break-the-mold" schools turned mostly into block grants for state education agencies and local school districts: in other words, more money for the existing system and its officials.

Whichever way you feel about the Bush proposals, their fate is indicative. "In the politics of education, what you have to recognize right from the start is that the [public school] educational establishment has tremendously more resources than anybody else," said Stanford University political scientists Terry M. Moe, who advocates vouchers and other reforms. "And that’s not unique to education. You can’t get anything past these groups."

If there is a single sad symptom of demosclerosis, however, it is bogus national poverty.

People often talk as though the country has become too poor to afford federal initiatives. In fact, the United States is now wealthier than any other country in human history, including its prior self. In 1990, real per capita disposable income was twice as high as in 1960, when the federal government could "afford" almost anything; real wealth per capita was 62 per cent higher than in 1960 and real output was 80 per cent higher. "Poor" is the one thing America is not.

Is the government poor? It collects and spends more, in inflation-adjusted dollars, than at any time in history, far more even than at the peak of World War II. Its tax base, measured as a share of the economy, is at the high end of the post-war norm, and above the level of the "wealthy" 1950s and 1960s.

If government is "poor," it is only because of its inability to reallocate resources for new needs. In other words, government is not poor, it is paralyzed.

TRIAL AND ERROR

WHAT is going on here? Why has government become so ossified and immobile?

In large, complex systems, the key to successful adaptation is the method of trial and error. In the large, complex system of biological evolution, species undergo mutations, the vast majority of which fail. A few, however, succeed brilliantly, and those proliferate by out-competing the others. That is how life adapts to changing environments.

Similarly with a capitalist economy: The key to its adaptability is that it makes many mistakes but corrects them quickly. Entrepreneurs open businesses; many fail, but every so often someone hits on a brilliant innovation. The more-successful strategies will proliferate by out-competing the others. Capitalism adapts through trial and error.

Similarly with science: It tries out countless hypotheses every day and abandons most of them. The knowledge base adapts through trial and error.

Government is another big, complex social system. The way for governments to learn what works in a changing world is to try various approaches and quickly abandon or adjust the failures: trial and error. However, something has gone badly wrong.

For fiscal 1993 alone, the Bush Administration proposed ending 246 federal programs and 4,192 federal projects. How many of those will die? Approximately none. The Reagan Administration made a fetish of trying to eliminate federal programs. Despite President Reagan’s high popularity and his effective control of Congress in 1981-82, during his eight years in office a grand total of two major programs -- general revenue sharing and urban development action grants -- actually got killed. (See NJ, 3/28/92, p. 755.)

One reason is that people disagree about which programs failed, and even about what "failing" means. Another reason is that as soon as a program is set up, the people who depend on it -- both the direct beneficiaries and the program’s employees and administrators -- organize to defend it ferociously. These groups are, of course, none other than Olson’s "distributional coalitions" -- what others have for years described as part of an "iron triangle." They have money, votes and passion. They can be defied, but only at serious political risk.

In the period beginning with the New Deal and peaking with President Johnson’s Great Society, Washington seemed one of society’s most adaptive and progressive forces -- which, at the time, it was. What Franklin D. Roosevelt’s and LBJ’s visionary policy makers did not foresee was that every program generates an entrenched lobby that never goes away. The result is that virtually every program last forever.

And so, although no one disputes that the Rural Electrification Administration has largely fulfilled its New Deal mission of bringing power and telephones to rural America, the program keeps right on going. The rural electric cooperatives’ 65,000 employees and 10,000 local directors vigorously defend it, with the help of their interest group, the National Rural Electric Cooperative Association, whose budget for programs and administration runs to $ 11 million a year.

In 1955, Congress set up a program to subsidize the production of wool, which in those days was a vital military commodity. Along came synthetics, which by 1960 knocked wool off the Pentagon’s strategic commodities list. But in 1992, more than three decades later, the wool program will spend $ 180 million. It is ably defended by the small but devoted group of people who benefit from it, in some cases richly (in 1989, more than 60 farmers got subsidy checks for more than $ 100,000). (See NJ, 5/18/91, p. 1168.)

Not only are policies hard to kill, they are also hard to change. Every wrinkle in the law produces a winner who will resist reform. that is why the United States operates under an anachronistic banking law from the early 20th century. Years ago, scholars understood that some provisions of the program of aid to families with dependent children, a mainstay of the welfare system, encourage fathers to leave home. Yet key corrections have still not been made. (See NJ, 6/20/92, p. 1454.)

And so programs are impossible to kill and very difficult to correct. The implications of this are profound.

Imagine an economy in which every important business enterprise is kept alive by an interest group with political clout. Over time, the world would change, but the businesses wouldn’t. Obsolescent companies would gobble up resources, crowding out new companies. The economy would cease to adapt.

That is what happened to the Soviet economy. Which imploded.

In principle, the U.S. government’s situation is like the Soviet economy’s. In both, the method of trial and error has collapsed.

In Washington, every program is quasi-permanent, every mistake is written into a law that some vested interest will defend furiously. The result is that as the old clutter accumulates, government cannot adapt.

First, old programs and policies cannot be gotten rid of, and yet continue to suck up money and energy. And so there is little money or energy for new programs and policies. The old crowds out the new.

Second, and at least as important: When every program is permanent, the price of failure becomes extravagant. The key to experimenting successfully is knowing that you can correct your mistakes and try again. But what if you are stuck with your mistakes forever, or at least for decades? Then experimentation becomes extremely risky.

Everyone agrees that the nation’s current health care system makes no sense. Yet any reform will produce vested winners (hospitals? doctors? drug companies? left-handed dentists?) who will fight further change. A Canadian-style system or a voucher system, once adopted, would be hard to adjust and almost impossible to get rid of. Policy makers, fearful of making a mess they cannot clean up, become rightly reluctant to innovate.

Underlying the breakdown of the method of trial and error is an ironic cycle, based on the fact that every new program creates a permanent interest group. The same programs that made government a progressive force from the 1930s through the 1960s also created swarms of dependent special interests whose defensive lobbying made government rigid and brittle in the 1990s. In effect, the rise of government activism immobilized activist government. Yesterday’s innovations became today’s prisons.

No one starting anew today would think to subsidize wool farmers, banish banks from the mutual fund business, forbid United Parcel Service to deliver letters, grant massive tax breaks for borrowing. Countless policies are on the books not because they make sense in 1992, but merely because they cannot be gotten rid of. They are dinosaurs that will not die. In a Darwinian sense, the universe of federal policies is ceasing to evolve.

HAPPY ENDING?

"MAYBE the message is: Cheer up, things are getting worse," Olson said.

In person, Olson is more optimistic than his theory. Ten years ago, he ended his book with a sentence carefully crafted to leave room for optimism. Is it reasonable to expect, he wondered, that awareness of the damage done by special interests "will spread to larger and larger proportions of the population? And that this wider awareness will greatly limit the losses from special interests? That is what I expect, at least when I am searching for a happy ending."

He is still searching for that happy ending, and he reports being optimistic three days out of five. If the public becomes angry enough, politicians may risk the wrath of the special interests. Thus, if things get worse, action might be taken.

"We do see growing recognition of the problem," he said, "and history does show examples of thoroughgoing reform." Mexico, for instance, which has long been hogtied by cozy deals between special interests and the ruling party, is opening its economy. Even the obstinate government of India is opening up. In America, the 1986 Tax Reform Act demonstrated that an anti-special-interest package can succeed if the political leadership pushes hard enough and the payoff is big enough.

However, hope can be matched stride for stride by doubt. Tax reform was remarkable precisely because it was so rare and so difficult, and the steady accumulation of interest groups implies that such reform will become harder, not easier. Moreover, India, Mexico and, for that matter, the old Soviet Union turned to reform only after approaching, or actually crossing, the brink of calamity, a fact that gives little comfort.

Short of calamity, suppose American voters do get angry. So what? Generalized voter anger against "the system" does not translate into votes against particular programs or groups; no one gets reelected to Congress for voting against maritime subsidies or wool farmers. "In Congress, we don’t get to vote on the Minn., told Time magazine in June. "We have to vote for or against actual programs."

What about reforms of the political process? Limits on politicans’ terms and on campaign contributions, for example? Process reforms might make some difference, but probably not much. In a free society, groups will always find ways to defend their interests, as is their right.

At intervals, windows may open for reform. If the 1992 elections shake up both Congress and the White House, 1993 might provide such a window. However, the processes that Olson described are fundamental. They are in the system, not the people; new politicians will face the same pressures that their predecessors faced. Weber implied as much when he told Time, "I don’t know what comes next after we have this tremendous cleaning-out election and then the Congress gets together next year and people find we still are not going to reduce the deficit, we still are not going to reform health care."

Weber added: "I’m not by nature a pessimist. I like to think that our system works and is going to right itself. But I see it decaying."

In any case, reforms’ effects are likely to be temporary. Special-interest groups will always tend to accumulate over time; if shaken off, they will re-accumulate. "The termites are always there," Olson said, "The clock keeps ticking."

If government tends to calcify, this does not necessarily mean the country will also calcify. It depends on how other institutions compensate. Corporations, for instance, are delivering education that the public schools are not.

Nor does calcification mean that the federal government is, or will be, wholly unable to pass laws, adopt policies and expand programs. It means, rather, that new reforms and policies and programs will tend to be piled on top of old ones, so that the whole accumulated mass becomes steadily less rational and less flexible -- as though you had to build every new house on top of its predecessor.

What demosclerosis means for conservatives is that there is no significant hope of scraping away outmoded or unneeded or counterproductive liberal policies, because nothing old can be jettisoned. What it means for liberals is that there is no significant hope of using government as a progressive tool, because the method of trial and error has broken down.

For Washington and for the broad public, demosclerosis quite possibly means that the federal government is rusting solid and, in the medium and long term, nothing can be done about it. The disease of democratic government is not heart failure but hardening of the arteries.

My Phone Bill is HOW Much? Or, The AT&T Saga.

2008-03-01T06:19:00.001-08:00

Ok. So I'm pretty sure that a lot of people right now are pissed off at a little company called AT&T. I know I sure am.

First off, let me establish some things.

I'm not a cell phone professional or anything, but I have had a very very long experience with them, and I'm a heavy user of them, dependent even. I'm the person in my little circle who ALWAYS gets people to text message. There's nothing quite like a text message to me -- they rock. I normally despise talking on the phone, but often my job pretty much requires I have one (and certainly my job does now).

I've had a cell phone for so long I don't remember when I first got the thing. In a prior life, I ran around a lot, and it was generally handy. It also made me feel safer -- if anything happened I had a variety of services at my fingertips.

When I worked for UPMC, I was basically attached to one. I literally had three cell phones and a pager in those days. When I went to Scotland, the first full day I was there, I bought a cell phone. (I later lost that one in a train station in Edinburgh, and bought a different one the very next day).

Here's some of the companies I've worked with:

TMobile
Verizon
Orange
Tracfone
Sprint
Cingular

And, then, sadly, Cingular was bought by AT&T.

Normally I don't give a shit who the company is. But now I do. And AT&T? SHAME ON YOU.

At first, I didn't really notice anything extraordinary about my bill. This is most likely because AT&T didn't bother to send me shit. Then it all hit the fan.

That's the day I got a $550 phone bill. That's right. $550.

I don't make a secret, when purchasing a phone how much I USE a cell phone. So, when I got the plan from Cingular, it was a good fit and it never topped $200. So yeah, I was a bit fucking infuriated over the $550. I managed to talk it down, but only some, and since the plan AT&T put me on was simply not a good fit, a lot of this was in overage charges, which they would do NOTHING about. So, I had to pay it. And yeah, I know that's where I made my first mistake.

I had to do SOMETHING, because, as I said, I need a cell phone for work.

The woman ASSURED me that it was fixed, that she had given me a plan that fit my use, and that all would be well the next month.

Ok, so last week it was the next month. How much was my bill? $699. That's right. Then, in a beautiful little twist of the knife, when Darren asked them about it, the service was shut off. I don't know if it was related, or what was going on with them, but they shut it off.

What the fuck?

This happened to hit at the worst possible time. Really. I simply didn't have the money to switch carriers, and I'm in the middle of a big project at work. A couple of them, to boot.

So, last week, in addition to continuing my scarcity online (I've been stupidly busy at work), I was off the cell grid for the first time in a long, long time. And, while for work I felt a bit crippled, in general it was nice. No calls in the sanctuary of my home, etc. etc.

After the absolute shenanigans, it was no surprise that I decided to switch cell phone providers. I did a bunch of research online, and figured I'd go with Verizon -- I had managed to get a Verizon signal in rad onc departments, and trust me, that's impressive. Once in the vault, but I think that was a fluke. Anyway, I researched the plans and all that.

I was very keen to keep my phone number. But, since I'm the queen of weird shit happening to me, I figured weird shit would pop up and prevent that.

I'll say this -- going into the Verizon store was a breath of fresh air. I was finally able to rant to someone (besides my coworkers) about the phone. And, I finally got real with myself (while I'll admit I use my phone a ton, I was reluctant to admit one, final thing) and bought myself a Blackberry. It's a cool toy, and gives me the web while I commute, which is kind of important. Since I've been working in IT, it's been silly and remiss of me not to have one. The keyboard is small, but I'll get used to it.

I have some suggestions for anyone else who has recently been screwed over by AT&T:

1. Switch providers.
    Yeah, it's expensive, but I'm hoping the FCC and PUC will pave the way at them dropping a bunch of charges. I actually hope they rot in hell for the amount of money I've overpaid on that phone. It'll ultimately save you money. Rock. Just switch. Nothing says fuck you to these people like taking your money elsewhere. This isn't something exclusive -- it's happening to a lot of people.

2. Want to keep your phone number? Don't cancel until you get a new phone.
    I know you want to call up and scream at them. I know. I know it sucks they make you pay to talk to them. I know you want to pay just to get it all out. But, let it go until you get a new phone.

3. Contact the FCC and the PUC
    Everyone bitches that they get no gain from taxes. Well, there then. I know you hate the FCC for other reasons, but they are consumer advocates. So is the PUC for your state. Go online, find them, and register a complaint. If you aren't in California, complain to the PUC in your state. But really, get them involved. It's the biggest cover your ass of all.

Other than that, try to stay calm, and know that there are a lot of other people out there going through the same thing.

As I write this, I'm still infuriated over it. I have to thank Darren, because it was a rough week, but we always had FreezeeeeeeeeePops, yummy dinner and . .. .

Idiocracy

2008-02-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged!

2008-02-24T09:21:00.000-08:00

I can't say enough cool things about Daclaren and the wonderful friendship I've been privileged to share with her for over two decades. And she's just awesome.

But anyway, on to this tag.

(1) Post the rules on your post before you answer the questions.

(2) List one fact about yourself using each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name use your maiden name (or last name, in the instance of our gentlemen bloggers) instead.

(3) When finished answering, tag one person for each letter of your name.

Before I get started, I would like to officially say "Thank GOD I have a middle name!" because I couldn't imagine doing this for my maiden name.

L Lenient. To a fault.

Y Y or yarn-obsessed. I chose Y first, because it stands for a unique, unknown quantity in mathematics, which I've often been called as a nickname. Often, I do defy any kind of . . . definition. And when people work with me on a project I AM an unknown. As for yarn obsessed, I think my sore finger from knitting yesterday is my testament.

N Nuts. Ok, look, if you didn't know that, come on. I'm a nutter.

N Nervous. As in a mood, as in right now. I'm really stressed, and a have an awful lot on my plate that I have to 'deal with', and I abhore the feeling that I have to 'deal with' my life sometimes when I should be living it. Thank god for the weekends, and my happy home!

So, now I get to saddle four others with this task:

Kipling71
Rennod
Steve
PdG

You can try and petition me to do my maiden name, but you're gonna have to give me time.

2007-12-19T16:35:00.001-08:00

Ha!

2007-12-12T11:01:00.001-08:00

Now THAT is geek chic!

Dear Santa (For MacFarlane Toy Contest)

2007-12-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I would say that I’ve been a good girl this year, but we both know that’s not true.

Before I waste my time telling you all the cool shit I want, and then just having another “coal incident,” I figured I’d let you know what you could get for Christmas this year.

Option One: I receive all of the items in the following list, and you get some cookies. I’ll even throw in some milk.

Option Two: I get coal again. Or some stupid shoddy gift from Rite Aid. For this option, please see attached picture of your North Pole base. See those markings on the side? That’s where I plan to break in. I’ll be armed, with a machine gun and some Molotov cocktails. You think your elves can survive a point blank range shot to the head? Are they that magical? Mrs. Claus? I’ll make sure to leave the gun I use on her behind, just so you have something else to stroke at night. And Rudolph? Yeah, I need a new taillight for my tricycle that you got for me two years ago even though I was eight.

What I want for Christmas:

A Chemistry Set (A real one that can blow shit up)

Some Hydrochloric Acid

Ninja Stars

Duct Tape

Teddy Scare

Cool ass MacFarlane Action figures.

Signed,

Jamie

PS – You give me coal one more time, fat ass, and I’ll use it to light a fire for next year. Just think about it.

LA'd again, Some housekeeping, A funny link, and a funny picture

2007-12-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

LA'd again:

So, I go out to smoke a cigarette, and in my always feeble attempt to avoid people, instead of hanging out in the smoking area, I go around the side to where the dumpsters are (it's a parking lot).

I see this guy rummaging around a car and tying what appears to be a bunch of clothes down. Then he approaches me, and asks me for a light. I let him use my lighter, and then he asks if I'm a nursing student. I explain that no, I'm actually a computer consultant, and I've been doing it a long time.

He tells me he's looking for a computer consultant, and launches into this whole thing about how he works with ionizing water to cure cancer. He then says "I have a Christmas present for you!" and hands me some crystal. He informs me that he found it while investigating the Mason's temple, and he found a lot of books on freemasonry and some Picassos and stuff that were missing.

Uh - huh.

He then launches into how he likes to get hospital plants, and plucks a flower from one and gives it to me. He encourages me to seek Herbal treatments instead of being subjected to Western Medicine. It wasn't until I got inside the door that he stopped talking to me. Honestly, I'm a little nervous about going back out there.

Aaah, LA.

Housekeeping: To everyone who wished me a happy birthday, thanks! That was incredibly sweet. I had a good day, spent with Darren and media, and it couldn't have gotten any better!

Funny Link

Funny Picture (thanks to Rennod):

Bethany the Bee!

2007-12-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

JediPod!

2007-12-05T07:09:00.001-08:00

My action shot of the yoda backpack is actually on ThinkGeek!

Check it out!

2007-12-02T20:42:00.001-08:00

New gir creation

I am getting one of these things

2007-11-29T11:44:00.000-08:00

http://www.red5.co.uk/Luke-Pondwalker-pr-444.html

My Momentary Media

2007-11-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

Watching:

Reading:

About Scientology
About Brazen Bulls

Happy Birthday Pittsburgh

2007-11-25T07:27:00.000-08:00

Yup, today Pittsburgh was founded.

And yes, I HAVE been surfing the web for hours at this point. I just started playing with this cute toy called "Google Reader" (yes, tech girl finally starts USING the cool tech out there), and in general pondering lists, Brazen Bulls, and strange odds and ends. . .

And yes, I am at the point where looking at walls is interesting!

Some more Internet Surfing Fodder

2007-11-25T05:45:00.000-08:00

From This site

The sleepless list obsession continues. I'm sure there's a word for this. And, also thanks to the listmania, you can read some funny quotes from Prince Phillip here. They originally had a list of his "top" funny quotes, but I thought his conservationism was interesting as well. But, my favorite quote of his has got to be 'Where'd you get that hat?' That's hilarious!

Now That's a Neat List!

2007-11-24T14:40:00.001-08:00

List of 10 Great online movies

Even better? 10 Public Domain Horror Movies!

And . . . The Creepiest Ghost Film Ever

2007-11-24T10:26:00.000-08:00

Bored?

2007-11-24T09:21:00.001-08:00

Read lists!

Yes. That's the ticket!

2007-11-24T06:06:00.001-08:00

2007-11-16T14:54:00.001-08:00

Ok some guy who'fell in jail' is, of course talking to me and will not shut up this little old bent over guy who did not know what jail he came from and is mad they took hisfifty dollar boots

Spluch: Hunter Becomes Hunted: Illegal Poacher Mauled By Endangered Bear

2007-11-16T04:44:00.000-08:00

Spluch: Hunter Becomes Hunted: Illegal Poacher Mauled By Endangered Bear

2007-11-15T14:45:00.001-08:00

The license plate you do not want to see at the hospital!

2007-11-15T12:03:00.001-08:00

I don't know why but this struck me as a sign of our times

2007-11-13T18:10:00.001-08:00

My newest piercing!

Danger! Zombies!

2007-11-11T09:25:00.001-08:00

I would be remiss to embark upon anything zombie without including these videos:

Mobile Blog: Rite Aid Display

2007-11-03T11:47:00.001-07:00

Morning wake up huh? What's interesting is there was a lot of alcohol bought from that display already . . .

Mobile Blog: My Wonderful Husband

2007-11-02T17:08:00.001-07:00

I love this man so very much. He is my light in the darkness and my inspiration. I am so very lucky that he loves me!

A Meme. . .

2007-11-02T16:10:00.000-07:00

Just because. It comes from Friday Fill-ins.

1. Darren is my favorite form of therapy.

2. If you get my voice mail you'll hear I have no earthly clue .

3. My favorite product EVER is my clarinet .

4. I see something glowy .

5. When I'm grumpy watch out .

6. Singing "Strangers in the Night" under my breath is my strangest habit.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to spending time with Darren, tomorrow my plans include loafing and Sunday, I want to not work!

It Happened in California . . .

2007-11-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

That a saviour was born!

A Survey for the Old People

2007-11-01T15:30:00.001-07:00

I stumbled upon this on Daclaren's Blog. It cracked me up so much, I had to participate.

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
‘Have you ever kissed someone?’
‘Missed someone?’
‘Told someone you loved them?’
‘Drank alcohol?’…
50 questions below for the people who are a little older….

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
All of them. I hate them equally. The mailbox is like the principal's office and a line is like a test of steely resolve.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Uh? Does it count if we licked food off of each other on the bed?

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
I mean, of course I would have rather gifted it to Darren, but maybe I needed the experience. Ultimately, not really. Darren took 'spoiled goods.'

4. Do you own a guitar?
No. I used to.

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Hicks. Christian Nutter.

6. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
I sure have. And it got lost on the way to the shock trauma unit. Seriously.

7. Do you own a piggy bank shaped like a pig?
No.

8. How many colleges did you attend?
Two different ones.

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It's business like.

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
Why are we so upset we have to pay the same for gas as we do for bottled water? I don't get it.

11. Do you shower facing the shower head or with your back to it?
Back to it as much as possible. Contact wearer AND blind. I prefer Baths (I was raised Baptist. We're all about the dunking).

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Fuck, I'm late.

13. What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
I'm not THAT tired. I can keep my contacts in. ZZZZZZZ

14. Do you have anything in your pockets right now?
No Pocketses.

15. How many windows are open on your computer?
22

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
Laundry.

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
Depends on what I could do.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in, but my body doesn't let me anymore.

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
Stitch!

20. Who was the last text you received from?
Darren

21. Are you a daydreamer?
Extensively.

22. When did you first start feeling old?
16

23. Favorite 80’s movie?
Day of the Dead. Oh, did you mean John Hughes-like? Of all of his, prolly Breakfast Club.

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
Turkey

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
Costco? You jest.

26. Beach or lake?
Depends. Beach is closer.

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
No!

28. Do you own property?
No.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
Playing hooky to spend time with Darren.

30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
Legally Blonde. Shut up.

31. What’s your drink at the bar?
Rum & Coke

32. Cowboys or Indians?
My imaginary friends hated that game.

33. Are you sarcastic?
See above.

34. Are you shy?
I prefer to think of it as 'painfully introverted.'

35. In the past week have you gotten sick?
Eh, I'm ok.

36. Norm or Cliff from Cheers?..
Cartman.

37. In the past week have you felt stupid?
Yeah, I have.

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
Like Daclaren -- can I just wipe entire relationships? Pleeeease?

39. In the past week have you gotten your hair cut?
No.

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Jimmy Carter.

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
I enjoy both.

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
A brand new one. Before I had even made a payment!

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
No.

44. Last book you read for real?
Oh, God, I don't remember. A software manual.

45. Has someone disappointed you recently?
Nah.

46. What was the last film you watched?
Spiderman 3

47. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
San Francisco.

48. Have you been outside the USA?
Indeed.

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Eh.

50. Just how OLD are you?
I’ll be 32 in December.

Ten Ways to Drain MySpace of the Spazz.

2007-11-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Type "Social Networking" into Google and you're bound to get scads upon scads of hits. It's the latest craze, it's a great way to keep in touch, and sites like myspazz are really great places to piss off the ones you love, even if by accident.

You can lose your job over your site -- you can get harassed and stalked -- and it can cause a lot of misunderstandings. Just think -- "Myspace Drama" has 693,000 hits in google.

Why all this drama? Well, because here we are, in the communication era, when the world is shrinking not by the speed at which WE travel, but by the speed at which our THOUGHTS travel. Think of how many times you got pissed that the email you were expecting from someone is five minutes late. Do you have ANY idea where those bits and bytes are actually going? Do you have any idea how impossible all of this was just a few short years ago? And, do you have any idea how humans USE tools of communication? A good for instance is the telephone -- a doctor calls a next of kin to verify a person's allergies. A teenager yaps on it all night about the color and character of their toenails. A thirtysomething single person sits on it for a few hours about their latest date fiasco.

It used to be that when people grew apart, and went their own separate ways, there came a point where they didn't know where each other got to. You know what? Maybe that's a good thing. You didn't know what their new phone number was, you went on living. You didn't rush to the computer to add their profile to your favorites so you could check in every once in a while.

A lot of people talk to me about a lot of things, and one of the subjects that keeps cropping up lately is a big spate of myspace no-no's. This list has nothing to do with my personal myspace experience, which has definitely been varied and interesting, but on listening to other folks rant about their myspace drama. And here's my compilation of suggestions, with my tongue firmly in cheek.

1. If you are posting something to the bulletin board, do NOT get all pissy because someone didn't see it. I have about 250 friends on myspace, and a lot of them give bulletin chatter (bands, charitable foundations, movies, directors). That means, a lot of times, I don't see what you are putting there. If you really want ME to read it, send it to ME, or put it in a blog. Don't take it personally that I didn't wade through 500 bulletins posted by MySpaceMarketingVenture 2 to find one post about what color underwear you are wearing.

2. If you don't know someone, and they do something outright stupid, don't feel guilty for one second just hitting the "Block User" button. If you really enjoy myspace, and someone has used it to hurt you, myspace has ways to avoid that. Use them. Don't leave in a huff because you aren't still on someone's top eight.

3. That top eight thing. Yeah, don't take it so god damned personally.

4. If you smoke pot and fuck entire football teams in your spare time -- how about not posting it to myspace? Then maybe it won't be found out in a job interview situation. Or, even better, turn your profile to private. Why would you EVER post anything to the internet that you wouldn't want all over the world? It's the internet! That's what it does! Hell, it's its sole purpose!

5. If you're in a relationship, looking up your ex's or looking them up and then writing to them, well, that's an iffy topic. It all depends. It's something that should be discussed. Women tend to take this as a snub against them, that they aren't good enough. Men tend to take it as a snub against them. So, really, before you even go looking that person up, think about a thing called Web Cache, and WHY you care. Aren't they an Ex? And be ready to face some pretty hurt feelings from your significant other. It's natural, it's human. Be an adult and talk it out. And be prepared that the answer you get may not be the one you want - it's part of . . . that's right, being an adult. Your wife / husband / boyfriend / girlfriend / Significant Other probably doesn't want you talking to the person you credit as being 'your best lay / blow job / whatever ever.' Is that REALLY a surprise?

6. If you are going to get mad at someone for doing something, hey, how about growing up and telling them, instead of changing everything on your myspace to let everyone know you are pissed, hurting, forlorn -- but not the person who hurt you? How is that going to HELP?

7. Use the blog roles -- and be prepared to defend them. Look, it's fine to make a blog private to friends. I had a private profile until a day ago, mainly because I wanted people to be able to read my blogs. But you know what? If you aren't going to put someone on your 'preferred' list, be prepared to answer ALOT of questions. And if you are doing that to hide some activity of yours from your little sister, big brother, daughter, or cocker spaniel or whatever -- wtf are you doing? There are other sites. Maybe use one of those. Or make another perfectly free profile. But if you make your blog a preferred one, you're going to get asked about it. Be prepared, and be genuine in your answer.

8. About those personal messages. Don't forget -- these are just like email. See that forward button down there? Yeah. You SURE you want to tell Friend A that Friend B is a punkass? Think it over. . . myspace has a papertrail just like anywhere else.

9. We all like to personalize our spaces, and give information about what we like and who we are -- but these pages need to be able to load in a browser before they do anyone any kind of good.

10. If someone goes to add you as their friend, it's ok to ask them why. Really. And it's ok to Deny a friend request as well. I personally have a lot of indie bands on my profile, and indie horror movies, and I'm fine with it. If you aren't -- just hit deny. No one's feelings are going to get hurt.

The main gist of these rules are:

Treat those you love with respect and dignity. Treat your friends with respect and dignity. Expect the same.

If you publish something on the internet, know that anyone can read it, unless YOU take personal responsibility and take steps to ensure they don't.

It's just a website, people, but if you aren't careful and vigilant, it just might overflood into your life.

I've had a few really drama-y experiences on myspace, and some that are completely amazing. Being in touch, however little, with my sister and brothers is a big deal to me. Being able to stay in touch with Ana is a big deal to me. Meeting some of the life changing people that I know on myspace, is a big deal to me. But the drama? I gotta say, I'm passing on that one. Just because I don't return a comment doesn't mean I don't like you. It probably means I'm busy. Doing my job.

Love and Light,

Jamie

The Self-Cleaning Apocalypse

2007-10-31T10:30:00.003-07:00

The other day, kipling71 recommended this article to me. As everyone knows, I am a huge fan of what I like to call "The Self Cleaning" (or, Zombie) Apocalypse. But, the article got me to sit and ponder why zombies. I mean, we have so many things to be afraid of as it is. For instance, President Bush. Ew. Gives me the heebeegeebees just to think about him.

Anyway, as close as a topic as our silly leader is, it's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about ZOMBIES.

And I'm not the only one who has been thinking of them. There has been one zombie survival guide of large note published. People are aware of this apocalypse, but has anyone really thought it out? Apparently, my heebeegeebee friend has thought of this --

and if someone so . . . not bright . . . can think of zombies, shouldn't you spend a bit of time, contemplating the information that I put before you? It may one day save your life!

So, first of all, let's discuss where the whole idea of zombies come from. And let me tell you -- it's older than you think. Sure, sure, Frankenstein is a straight up zombie story, but come on, that book is barely dusty. Get real. And, we all know about the Haitian zombie idea, but it's even older than that. In the Middle Ages, writers commonly wrote of 'revenants' returned from the dead. In Norse mythology, the draugr was undead (they seem more like the 'we're fucked' variety of zombie to me - notice that the best case of de-draugr'ing your friend was to 'cut off the head, burn the body, and scatter the ashes). In the Epic of Gilgamesh, that ancient Mesopotamian text, Ishtar, the fury of vengeance says:

Father give me the Bull of Heaven,; So he can kill Gilgamesh in his dwelling.; If you do not give me the Bull of Heaven,; I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld,; I will smash the doorposts, and leave the doors flat down,; and will let the dead go up to eat the living!; And the dead will outnumber the living!
Tablet VI
translated by Maureen Gallery Kovacs

Not a bad revenge plot, eh?

And, there's even the philosophical ideal of a zombie.

In any case -- no matter what the cause, we can determine that a zombie is a living dead person -- walking among us. Whether they are controlled by nanobots or a bokor, a zombie is a mindless or single minded organism. You can't call something that is so damn hungry completely mindless. And to posit a possible cause for the apocalypse, be it voudou priest gone mad or rage virus is really a topic worthy of its own topic of discussion. I know of a fellow zombologist who is currently researching the 'how' and 'why' of the zombie apocalypse.

I would like to take this moment, however, to discuss why we are so afraid of zombies. Why have these shambling, smelly corpses fascinated us for so long?

I think the appeal of a slow moving, cannibalistic group of mindless killers happens on several different levels. First of all, I think the primal fear of being eaten -- yeah, well, that's definitely one of the factors. As humans, we aren't too keen on having our individualism taken away (unless you're living in America lately), so a check goes there, too. And none of us like the smell of death. Ew. Plus, the idea that we would no longer be in control of our bodies, and out to actually eat someone else (possibly a loved one, especially if you subscribe to the 'they still have some of their imprinted, visceral memories school of thought) -- also creepy. And, let's get real -- survival in this one is tough. And, realistically, unless you get yourself educated, and get yourself prepared, odds really aren't on your side. You don't get more doomsday than the zombie apocalypse. And what a sexy doomsday it is! And, let's admit it, a lot more real than a bunch of people disappearing and then some big red guy with horns coming up to torture us all. At least with zombies we have a chance of living in peace with each other and NOT causing the end of the world -- I mean, zombies won't care if we have peace in the Middle East or not.

As a matter of fact, would you like to check on your odds of survival? This link will walk you through it.

But really, it doesn't take into account just how catastrophic the zombie apocalypse is going to be. And trust me, folks, Z-Day is as inevitable as milk souring.

While a simplistic overview, I truly must recommend that survival tactics be observed:

I mean, you don't want to be caught off guard, right? It's not like yelling at the zombies will work . . . Will it?

Is there ANYTHING scarier than a zombie mime?

All jokes aside. What would the actual dangers of the apocalypse be, and about how long would they last?

The first thing we know, an enormous danger during the apocalypse are other humans.

You are likely to be more threated by this guy:

Than this guy:

That's right, say it with me -- in every zombie film, it's the HUMANS that fuck each other over. Ok, maybe not every film, and normally the zombies contribute, but you know what I'm saying. Be sharp. Give as few details as possible. Make trust a very important commodity, and one as rare as time. Just keep in mind -- you'll be threatened by humans jealous of your take just as much as you will be by zombies. Those survival nuts? Hell, they'll shoot you in an instant. So watch your back.

And what about those zombies? Fast or slow, you're going to need something to either lob off, or shoot off their head. Preferably both. Water? Of course. You're going to want some MRE's or canned goods, and don't forget that opener. Have any vices? Stock up now. Learn to roll your own smokes and store as much tobacco as possible. Machetes are your friend.

What I really want to talk about, though, is what the apocalypse is going to BE like.

First of all, we can gather it's gonna be very, very smelly. Lots of rotten flesh. This also means that it's going to be a disease ridden pile of filth, this planet Earth, because it's never good for human kind when lots of us are rotting outside. This means, if you get a cut, you're going to need to tend to it pronto, and not just from fear of what ever form of zombism is out there, but just good ol' fears like super bacterias and one hell of a staph infection.

To really get an idea of how long it would all last, you'd have to take several things into account. First is going to be your particular climate. Why should you care? Simple, darlings -- you should care because your climate is going to be what determines how fast those fuckers are going to rot. We can assume that the bugs and animals aren't going to be actively gnawing away and helping the whole decomposition process. By the way, if you want to know how that affects things, there's this nice little chart from a site that, scarily, is on "Skynet":

Variable Effect on decay rate*

Temperature 5
Access by insects 5
Burial and depth 5
Carnivore/rodent access 4
Trauma (penetrating/crushing) 4
Humidity/aridity 4
Rainfall 3
Body size and weight 3
Prior embalming 3
Clothing 2
Surface body rests on 1

So, what does that mean? That there are a lot of factors in what turns us to dust in the end. The major one to keep in mind is your climate -- the colder you are, the longer the zombies are going to last.

Every decaying creature goes through several stages of decay:

Initial Decay
Putrefaction
Black putrefaction
Butyric fermentation
Dry Decay.

You can see really neato pictures of this stuff at work on a pig here. And lemme tell ya, that's some nasty stuff. But what we're really looking for is that number at the end, at dry decay, because we're gonna need these zombies to be dust. And that takes 50 - 365 days.

Now, also keep in mind that the disease needs to spread completely and dissipate completely -- and the Black Plague took about four years to spread all across Europe. Now, some estimates have supervirii weighing in at taking down the world in a couple of weeks. But, in the case of supervirii, you just have to outlive the VIRUS (easy when there's winter), and not it's victims! So, we'll make a safe estimate of living among the vivified necrotic cannibals for at least, well, let's call it a decade. But even at one month out -- well, we best hope that someone is looking after our nuclear power plants.

Which reminds me, grab some batteries while you're at it. You never know how long that power is going to last.

And no, the trenchcoat Neo look is simply not going to work for you -- drop the trenchcoat in favor of snug, protective armor. Like a sharksuit or a wetsuit. And chop off your locks. Even those zombies that are close to dust are still going to be able to grab a handful of hair. Make sure you differentiate yourself from the zombies somehow -- you don't want those other survivors shooting you by mistake. If you have super cool boots that you think are going to repel zombies, do yourself a favor and make sure they are worn in before you go running anywhere, unless you want to find out which hurts worse, blisters or a zombie bite, because you'll end up with both.
Another thing that few think of is your unliving will. In other words, if you are bitten by a zombie, do you WANT to become a zombie? If so, you might want to start sharpening your teeth and keeping your nails strong to help you get at those juicy brains with more speed. Make sure your friends know not to shoot you in the head. And don't feel guilty for wanting to romp on the winning team post-mortem.

But, if you are survival minded, keep a couple of things in mind. A wet zombie is going to decay faster. Try to take over a grocery store, or, say, a shopping mall. If you go north to try and make them slow, just remember they will take a much longer period to decay than your friends in the southwestern desert. Arm yourself. Keep in mind -- you might be able to slip past one zombie, but they are dangerous the more of them there are. Make sure you're aware that you are going to be in it for the long haul.

Why, you ask, do I speak with such urgency? That's a simple question. This isn't an "if" scenario. This is a "when" scenario. What if cell phones fry our brains and make us all zombies? What is the difference between this:

And this:

Not much, I say!

We're already close. Wake up and smell the stench ;) We practically work in coffins these days! And don't forget -- just like zombies, we choose to disconnect with the world around us.

(Graphic by Rennod)

Remember, stay safe. Shoot for the head.

Happy Halloween!

PS -- All you have to do is look at the picture my beloved Darren drew, and you'll know what my unliving will says: